Isn’t marriage just a piece of paper
After rising for many years, the divorce rate in the US today is lower than it was a decade ago. But before you celebrate, the reason is not because of a sudden increase in blissful marriages; it’s because fewer are choosing to marry to begin with.
Indeed, the marriage rate today is at its lowest level since the US government began keeping national marriage records in 1867. Of those who do marry, 50% will divorce, with the average length of marriage lasting just 8.2 years.
With those odds, it’s no surprise that fewer and fewer young people are subscribing to the entire institution of marriage or seeing any significance to it.
To be clear, marriage is not for everyone. Also, there are individuals who sincerely want to be married but haven’t yet found their bashert, intended. For legitimate reasons and due to many factors, we aren’t necessarily always in control of being married. However, we don’t have to be married to cherish and defend the institution of marriage.
As the marriage rate continues to fall and cynicism toward marriage continues to rise, it is important to articulate the Jewish view of and value of marriage so we can best understand ourselves and advocate to others.
If two people love each other, isn’t marriage just a piece of paper, an outdated tradition, a social construct? And if someone is happy alone, why consider marriage at all?
Working on yourself
Adam, the first human, was originally created alone. An essential part of the core of a person is to be by oneself, feel comfortable being alone, and pursue one’s own interests. But soon after, G-d says, “It is not good for the human to be alone; I will make a fitting counterpart for him.”
Alone, man is a taker; G-d wants man to become a giver, and so He creates marriage, the need to compromise, to prioritize a partner, and to make room for another. Marriage forces us to grow and helps us become better versions of ourselves.
That is why the Torah (Genesis 2:24) says when the time is right, “A man must leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, so that they become one flesh.”
A child is a receiver, focused on himself and dependent on others. When a person clings to a spouse and they become one, they grow to be independent together; they must be concerned with and responsible to and for one another.
Marriage fosters maturity, dependability and trustworthiness. Rabbi Chaim Vital, a great 16th-century mystic, said: “A person’s character traits are primarily measured based upon how they are to one’s spouse.”
Becoming whole
The Torah teaches that on the sixth day of creation, G-d fashioned one figure comprised of man and woman, and then He split them in two, Adam and Eve. If G-d is omnipotent and infinite, if He knew He would ultimately create two, why didn’t He make them that way to begin with?
Had G-d created man and woman separate and apart, their union would have been a case of one plus one, a collaboration of two. Instead, He wanted us to realize that alone, we are a half and when the time is right, we must search for our other half, the person who completes us so that we can become whole. That is why the Talmud (Yevamot 62a) comments, “Any man who is without a wife is not a complete man,” and continues, “One’s wife is as one’s very own body.”
In a healthy marriage, one’s spouse is not just a roommate or someone to divide responsibility and chores with. Marriage is not for convenience or comfort. A spouse complements one’s personality, completes one’s soul, and is the exclusive person who combines to be one flesh.
Two of the the seven marriage blessings end with the words, “Yotzeir ha-adam, Creator of man.” But creation took place significantly before marriage, so wouldn’t that blessing be much more appropriate at a celebration of birth?
Understanding the fundamental purpose of marriage provides the answer. When a baby is born, we know very little about this person. Truly, a person is only entirely born or fully created when he or she finds his or her other half and becomes whole. We learn who someone is, what they value and what kind of life they want to lead, not when they are a newborn, but when they are newlywed. When we see who someone chooses to marry, we learn who they are and who they want to be. Under the chuppah, “Yotzeir ha-adam,” a person is fully created.
The happiness factor
On one occasion, Rabbi Aryeh Levin accompanied his wife to a Jerusalem clinic. The physician inquired what was wrong to which he responded, “Doctor, my wife’s foot is hurting us.”
Another time, he was traveling in a cab and the driver asked, “What is your home address?” Rabbi Levine told him, “I used to have a home, but my wife passed away and now all I have is an address.”
Countless research shows the mental, physical and emotional benefits of marriage. Studies show that married couples are the happiest on the whole, even though they are no longer living life only on their own terms. In contrast, half of the couples who cohabitate break up and people who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to get divorced.
So in Judaism, marriage isn’t just a tradition or a living arrangement; it is a holy institution (that’s why it’s called kiddushin in Hebrew, from the root kadosh, holy). Holy means distinguished, separate and apart.
Marriage is an exclusive bond and commitment; it is a unique relationship shared by husband and wife to the exclusion of all others.
Rabbi Akiva teaches (Sotah 17a) “If a man [ish in Hebrew] and woman [isha] establish a faithful marriage, the Divine Presence rests between them.” The Hebrew words ish and isha are almost identical; the difference between them is the middle letter yud in ish, and the final letter heh in isha. These two letters joined form the name of G-d. Marriage promotes selflessness, compromise, responsibility and faithfulness, all attributes that imitate and attract the presence of the Divine.
The act of marriage uniquely creates union of complete oneness. Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper. The mystical unification forged through the bond of marriage, making two halves into a whole, creates a concretized commitment. It’s investing oneself in the deepest, most meaningful, and consequential way. It means the relationship is anything but casual; it isn’t disposable and cannot be dissolved without consequences.
A society made up of physically, emotionally and mentally happier and healthier people is a happier and healthier society and better for everyone.
Marriage is not just a mitzvah; it is good for individuals, it is a sacred and indispensable institution that benefits all. It is valuable and worth defending.